This thing we do

Hello, I recently asked my boyfriend to spank me during sex. It turned him on and he has done it several more times. Then he used the belt on me and although I seem to bruise easily, it was not hard enough for me. When he saw the bruises he changed and doesn' t seem to want to do it anymore. How can I get him to not worry about the bruising and just go for it? He said that if he is leaving bruises then he is doing something wrong. I crave for him to take control and spank me really hard but I don't want him to think there is something wrong with me.

speaking from my own experience, what i'd say is that it takes time to develop any part of a relationship, particularly with spanking, and even more so with disciplinary spanking.

we might have fantasies about someone hearing the request and automatically being able to become the perfect top (or bottom, for that matter), where everything works out smoothly and exactly the way that everyone involved imagined it would. i think that happens as often as meeting a stranger's eye, falling in love, and having a perfect relationship with no problems in it. i don't rule out the possibility, i just find it unlikely (i know that with me and w, it pretty much *was* love at first sight, although i wouldn't say our relationship has no problems!).

what i'd recommend is lots and lots of communication, and also taking things really slowly. i brought up spanking-as-kink early in my relationship with w, and it was still months or a year before she gave me a really hard spanking, and it took her a long time to get comfortable with leaving marks. moving on towards disciplinary situations, i think that was both harder and easier for her. we'd both had the experience of knowing how my butt would respond to different implements, but it was a challenge for her to develop as a top, and four years into this, our relationship is still developing.

sometimes i find it helpful to write something and show it to w, rather than trying to tell her directly. or you could find things online and show them to your boyfriend, if you don't feel like you can write them for yourself.

good luck, and have faith in patience and communication.

Thanks, that made a lot of sense what you wrote. I guess I was so surprised and happy when spanked me the first few times that I am eager to try everything now. I can be impatient and impulsive sometimes. Thanks also for sharing your experiences too. I will try to expose him to a few sites and maybe the sight of a few markings might make him more comfortable with it. Do you mind me asking you a few questions? Like what were some of her reactions on your journey and what you did or said to keep things progressing? Thanks again.

well, no problem with asking. whether i can *remember*, i don't know.

thinking back... i think w was pretty much fine with spanking-as-kink, right from the start. she was nervous about hitting too hard, but since it was for fun, i was able to encourage her with that. it helped that we went to play parties (more for privacy than exhibitionism, since she had housemates), and so she could see a range of ways that people spanked, and get more comfort with that.

as for shifting over towards a more disciplinary relationship, i think probably it would be easier to just point you to the archives of my blog: breathing in and breathing out. i started it a month or two before we started with ttwd, and while i don't post all that regularly, and there's a fair amount that isn't related, there is a pretty good chronicle of the early days of the disciplinary side of our relationship. it's too bad that w doesn't write more, because that might give a better idea of her reactions, but you can see my thoughts and observations.

I think very many of us have gone through a similar journey where the top is reluctant to spank as hard as we want at first. If I were ever in the position of being the 'top' for someone else, I know I would be just the same. My greatest fear would be of being too harsh, so it's far safer to start off gentle and build up gradually over months, or indeed years.

Assuming he is not completely selfish and only interested in what turns HIM on (which I doubt), I expect he will be prepared to increase the severity until you eventually get the really hard spanking you want... and then you're going to regret it!!

Factually, I don't think it's true that if he is leaving bruises then he is doing something wrong. Considering what you say you want, it's probably just the opposite. Convincing him of that should be the easy bit. Your other concern that you don't want him to think there is something wrong with you, is maybe more tricky - but I'd say that is a risk you need to take at some point. Hey, you already took a risk by asking him to spank you in the first place! Sounds like that turned out OK.

Hi,

Hopefully, by now, you have gotten him to spank you hard.

However, if not, I have a few suggestions. Since he did not object to spanking you until he saw the bruises, maybe you could get him to spank you over your clothing with something deceptively light like a cane. You can get the spanking that you deserve, and he will not see the bruises until you have had an opportunity to show him how good it felt and how much you appreciated it.

If he won't spank you harder right away, you might just have him spank you for a longer time at the same intensity. In my experience, the worst bruising is when you first start getting spanked regularly. In time, it will take more and more spanking for the same amount of coloration.

He sounds like he might grow into the role you would like him to play. Good luck!

Pleasure

Well, during an erotic spanking, you could always let him know you're really into it. When he gives you a swat, ask for several more. Then ask him to do it harder, or ask him not to stop yet. Make a big show of appreciation, LOL. Once you get him to spank you hard enough to leave a little mark, make a big deal out of admiring it with a sly smile on your face. Let him know that YOU like it being there--maybe even give him an especially sweet kiss and thank him for it. It'll flat floor him!

My hubby started out being uncomfortable with putting bruises on me. He associated leaving bruises with abuse. I had to convince him that it's not abuse if he's giving me what I want (and he needed to trust me not to misuse those bruises to cause him problems in society--believe it or not, we hold an awful lot of power over our tops, buwahaha...there's more to it than US just trusting THEM not to go too far). Now that he knows I'M really and truly okay with it, he will put bruises on my behind, but he still doesn't like to spank me again if the bruises from an earlier spanking are still visible (unless it's all part of one punishment). It's a slow process. Be patient and communicate your need and your feelings as you go.

Goodness, these guys can turn a simple thing like a nice, sound spanking into something SOOOOO complicated, can't they?

Subtlety did not work with T, I had to be very direct and it has not always been an easy thing for her. Talk about it and be patient. The patience is hard, I know.

It took me a really long time to get to the point where I was able to spank JA as hard as she wanted. We experimented with seeing how long I could go before she safeworded me, which has almost NEVER happened.

Remember that that sort of trust takes YEARS. Good luck. Feel free to send him to me or any of the other tops on the board. There are a few of us who've come completely from a place of reluctance to total world domination, or at least their partners and various extras in the scene.